Best Jokes Part 3

Best Jokes Part 3

21"Elections are like police line-ups, only with elections you pick the person before they rob you and screw you. It's like a game of choose your mugger." Chopper, Udderbelly Pasture

22“My wife and I can’t have children. We don’t like them.” Will Franken, Just the Tonic

23"I am tired of hearing discrimination against Americans. Everybody hates Americans until they need to watch a good film, listen to some decent hip hop or go to war. What do you get when you add sunshine and personal space to a Brit? An American. Add health care and education and you get a Canadian." Dana Alexander, Udderbelly Pasture

24"My girlfriend worries about me cheating on a night out, but I always try to reassure her and say to her: 'Why would I go out and have a burger when I have steak at home?' The only problem is, when you are drunk, burgers are well nice." Rob Beckett , Pleasance Courtyard

25"I see these signs on the back of trucks which say, IF YOU CANNOT SEE MY MIRRORS. I CANNOT SEE YOU. Whenever I see those signs I immediately run up behind the truck and if I can't see his mirrors, I start unloading/stealing his stuff." Benny Boot, Udderbelly – Pasture

26"Ever hated yourself so much that your apartment wants you to move out?" Rick Shapiro, Assembly at George Square

27"Fifty Shades of Grey; the new Farrow and Ball Catalogue. Or so my wife assures me that's what it is." Simon Evans, Pleasance Courtyard

28"The sound of a baby screaming is like hearing all four Loose Women talk at once." David Longley, The Stand II

29"In your thirties your friends just disappear. I don't mean they die, they all move to Birmingham – which is worse."

Lucy Porter, The Stand

30"Walking down the Royal Mile is like scrolling through the mind of a failed actor." Chris Ramsey, Pleasance Courtyard