Best jokes part 2

Best Jokes Part 2

11 "I used to want to be star but now I just like hot darkness."

Anti-comedian Eddie Pepitone, Just the Tonic at The Tron

12 "The finest Rioja comes from Fife. Meanwhile Spain is on fire."

Phill Jupitus on a climate-changed world in 2052, The Stand

13 "Just had a near death experience. I was metres away when this dude got hit by a train." Iain Stirling, Udderbelly

14 "When Jesus went to heaven, was that not essentially 'moving back in with your parents'?" Iain Stirling, Udderbelly

15 "Alex Salmond says he's proud of Scolympians. I presume he means Scottish Olympians? What a Scarsehole."

Matt Forde, Udderbelly, Bristo Square

16 "You should never take the mick out of a nightclub bouncer. These guys put themselves in the line of fire to protect us on a nightly basis. When they kiss their wives goodbye in the morning they don't know if they'll ever see their sisters again." Jarlath Regan, The Stand – Assembly Rooms

17"I decided to lose weight as I have learned obesity is the leading cause of heart disease, stroke and your flirting at work being construed as harassment" Pete Johansson, Udderbelly – Pasture

18 "The internet says pigeons can fly at 65mph. They can, just not necessarily in a straight line. This is a myth created by crows." Tim Fitzhigham, Pleasance Courtyard

19 "People who like trance music are very persistent. They don't techno for an answer." Joel Dommett, Pleasance Courtyard

20"I really wanted kids when I was in my early 20s but I could just never... lure them into my car. No, I'm kidding... I don't have a licence." Felicity Ward, Udderbelly Pasture